The Weekly Wiper's Christmas Shopping Guide 2008

The Weekly Wiper

Lends A Hand

With Your

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Last year ( LINK: CHRISTMAS 2007 GIFT IDEAS ) the Wiper put together a nifty shopping guide just in time for Christmas and we've decided to do it again but with more lead time as some of these items are ALL NEW and "hard to get". Christmas is a special time of the year, and with all those special people on your gift list you need some really special gift ideas...

ITEM 1: OFFICIAL NBA WALL GROWTH CHART

See how your little tike measures up against your favorite NBA star with this officially licensed, life-sized NBA Player Growth Chart. Perfect for any room, the chart is printed on high-quality poly-vinyl material and reaches to over 7 feet tall!

Perhaps the best way to dash any hopes your white, scrawny, "High School Musical"-loving-son will ever have at becoming an NBA star. Stick this growth chart on his wall at an early age and watch as his disappointment grows, faster and bigger than he ever will.

ITEM 2: KING PEPPER - GIANT BASEBALL BAT PEPPER GRINDER

If you are like most men, nothing pisses us off more than having less that the appropriate amount of freshly ground pepper on our steaks, fries, eggs, etc. The KING PEPPER - GIANT BASEBALL BAT PEPPER GRINDER assures you that an ample supply is always at hand, it's a MLB regulation, 42 ounce Maple bat/pepper grinder, that can double as a punishment tool for whoever didn't season your meal correctly in the first place.

There's also a signed Sammy Sosa edition available,

made from his collection of previously corked bats (extra charges may apply).

ITEM 3: BOOZE BELLY/FAN-O-HOLIC

In keeping with a sporting theme, the perfect gift for that hard drinking, I'm sneaking my in cheap shit in, kind of man. Simply fill the discrete container with a favorite adult beverage and see if you can avoid ejection until the 3rd quarter or 5th inning. It's also available in our deluxe model: The FAN-A-HOLIC. It comes with the sling and the bladder. The sling is designed to fit users up to 6'8" and up to a 40" waist. Made of neoprene, the sling insulates you and will feel like real flesh under your clothes. The bladder holds up to 80oz. of the beverage of your choice and fits in a custom shaped pouch inside the sling . It'll be daddy's little secret.

We are currently developing something similar for the marijuana smoking crowd, we'll call it the "POT BELLY".

And after a game-full of beer in that bladder, you can brave the bumper to bumper traffic home, without fear of having to stop to wizz with these next items...

ITEM 4: Little John-Portable Urinal - The Feminal® - Freedom for people on the road!

Stop worrying about finding a restroom when you travel. Keeping a portable urinal in your car means you won't be forced to use dirty or deserted rest stops or simply stop and pee outside the car when nature calls at inconvenient times. Can be a real lifesaver if you're stuck in traffic! Plastic anti-spill cap included.

Suitable for the whole family. Includes an adapter that lets female travelers get relief while standing.

Unbreakable plastic washes easily. 10" long; 2-cup capacity; weighs 8 ounces. Urinal is red; female adapter is blue.

Or if your want to go up-scale for that "weaker of species" on your gift list try The Feminal® . This nifty unit is designed so that a woman can urinate in a reclined, seated, or standing position. When the Feminal is gently pressed against the body, the unique shape creates a leak-proof seal. Includes cap. 4-cup capacity. Wash with soap and water. Color: purple. Made in USA. Also handy if you run out of gas. Airline approved.

Warning: Do not attempt to use while driving vehicles with manual transmission, always dispose of contents in designated receptacles and not throw at opposing team's fans.

ITEM 5: CAT BUTT PENCIL SHARPENER

Want to send that special teacher a message, you know the one that thinks "Saturday detention" is a holy day of obligation, we have the purrr-fect gift,

The CAT BUTT PENCIL SHARPENER, also available in white so as not to offend, Shows your favorite teacher just where to stick it. Warning: Pencil point may stink after sharpening.

ITEM 6: FANTASY SUITE GIFT SET

The Fantasy Suit Gift Set makes makes a special romantic occasion absolutely extraordinary! This romantic kit will make your celebration sublime.

Enclosed, you will find warming massage oil, chocolate body paint with a brush, champagne flutes, a champagne bucket, two satin robes, one thousand scented silk rose petals, three pillar candles, fifty tea-lights, the Amazing Hot Heart Massager, romantic music CD, and a full color romantic guide to ensure that your evening is unforgettable!

Everything you need to create the perfect romantic experience that only dreams are made of...this kit really goes above and beyond!

BLOW-UP DOLL NOT INCLUDED, MUST BE PURCHASED SEPARATELY

ITEM 7: BIG BOY UNDER-THERE

What a delightful play on words on what is sure to become our best seller. Don't you know she is sick and tired of opening such a small "package" on Christmas morn. Tell her "I'll be foam for Christmas" with the original

BIG BOY FULL BASKET UNDERGARMENT. Buy several sets to impress co-workers, daughter's swim team, or yourself.

Wear to confession and reduce penance. This product was developed for Tom Cruise's "Risky Business" whitey tighty dance scene to Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll". Big Boy ships with a complementary tube of MANDELAY Why hurry?

And while we are on the subject of semi-consensual sex...

ITEM 8: MY SEXY STRIPPER POLE AND INSTRUCTIONAL DVD SET

This is a must for the single mom or recent divorcee with a desire to re-ignite her career and begin making G-strings full of money.

The My Sexy Little Pole is strong, safe and durable! The pole installs and can be put away in minutes, and is perfect for beginners and the more advanced dancers.

The My Sexy Little Pole is much stronger than comparable poles, it can support weights up to 200 pounds, max weight for any self-respecting stripper.

Wipes clean with only sponge and Lysol.

The pole safely extends a full 7 feet, within easy reach of ceiling in any standard house trailer.

For a limited time we'll throw in at half price, THE STRIPPER'S GUIDE TO LOOKING GREAT NAKED.

A book that teaches you how to look great naked

Shows you how to showcase your assets and hide your flaws

Hundreds of sexy tips

If you've been out of circulation a few years or never really qualified to circulate, this guide teaches the tricks of the trade for hiding those unsightly caesarian section scars, battered wife bruises and cheap breast implant outcomes.

WARNING: My Sexy Stripper Pole not intended for homes with greater than 9-1/2 foot ceiling height.

In case you are stripping in Fargo...you'll find this next item "handy"...

ITEM 9: SMOKING MITTENS

These Smoking Mittens are an ingenious way preventing your hands from getting cold in the winter but also stopping those bothersome cigarette burns.

It's a pair of comfy little mittens that double as a convenient cigarette holder.

The Smoking Mittens are reversible so you can smoke with either hand in fashion. They really thought of everything. It's nice to be a pampered smoker.

The coolest thing for the cold!

A chic, bargain.

WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking with your left hand has similar negative health effects to smoking with your right hand.

And there no better way to impress strippers than pulling some ones out of...

ITEM 10: THE BACON WALLET

Nothing smells of the success of a well stocked fridge more than THE BACON WALLET. Hand-sewn, imitation pig skin, smells just like real, rich hickory smoked pork belly.

If you are the weight conscience type, order our

TOAST WALLET.

Or combine orders and have breakfast.

ITEM 11: HUMPHREY THE HUMPIN' HOUND

You HAVE TO see Humphrey in action. Warning, not for the faint of heart.

MOVE OVER ROVER LET HUMPHREY TAKE OVER!

Humphrey is excited to see you! Humphrey, The Humping Hound will have you and your friends howling with laughter with his unique brand of affection! Simply strap Humphrey on to any object, squeeze his left ear and watch as this dirty dog barks and gyrates in the classic pooch pose! Battery operation lets you use Humphrey anywhere...Some stuff you can't make up.WW

ITEM 12: COCK BLOC SUPER

Fraternity brothers will appreciate this perfect gift for that chick that always hangs around the most available, totally intoxicated babes at your local college watering hole, she's constantly sounding the warning siren, standing between you, your short term goal and nasty intentions.

Comes in a handy carrying case and should keep the Blocker occupied for hours while you put on your "business socks".

TO GET THE "BUSINESS SOCKS" REFERENCE YOU MUST WATCH THIS VIDEO:

If the COCK BLOCKER SUPER is not effective on the blocker try this item...

ITEM 13: FIT-FORM MEMORY LIGHT - FOR COCK BLOCKING WOMEN ONLY

Keep the CB'ing women occupied for hours....

Colors can summon up memories, trigger emotions, and bring strong images to mind. And music is the ideal medium to awaken and strengthen emotions.

COLOR THEORY

• Blue is calming, soothing, quieting. Ideal for quiet contemplation or meditation.


• Red is stimulating, powerful, and energetic.


• Yellow lets the sunshine in and beings summer directly into your house.


• Green is nature's color. It represents regeneration, joy, and gladness.


• Orange suggests happiness, creativity, self-assurance, and friendship.

The Fit-Form Memory Light can be programmed to provide constant light, pulsating light, and sine light (the light rhythmically changes from light to dark).

The Color Listening CD complements the effects of the Fit Form light. Composer and musician Jean-Marc Levier transposes colors into music through the use of melody, harmony, and instrumentation. The Color Listening CD contains six musical selections.

• "Field of Activity Red" is pulsating and exciting.


• "Relaxing Blue Suite" creates a calming atmosphere.


• "Mystic Yellow Sun" reflects a sunny day.


• "Dreaming Green" works sounds from nature into an ethereal soundscape.


• "Creative Orange" is written in a major key with a rising tonality that conveys strength and security.


• "Affective Red & Orange" is a lively piece in which guitar and harmonica express activity and strength of will.


• "Blue & Green Ambiance" delivers a mood of lasting serenity.

The Fit-Form Memory Light & CD kit should keep the blocker busy and includes 1 light, 1 clamp-on flexible holder that attaches to the light, 1 plug-in power supply (class 2 transformer; 120V; 60Hz; 9W) with a 5-foot cord, 1 CD-ROM, and instruction booklet. 6-month mfg. warranty.

WARNING: FOR WOMEN ONLY - Not approved as a medical device. Do not use this product if you suffer from seizure disorders or photophobia.

ITEM 14: HOP OFF

Something for the kids. It's the geography game that divorced dad's that have lost custody love to play. Get the kid(s) in the car without mom knowing and HOP OFF to just about any state were you can't be tracked down. No more Alimony or Child support payments to worry about. When your parental instincts begin the wane, end the game by being the first to yell, "HOP OUT!" And drive off.

ITEM 15: SMART CYCLE KIDDY HOUSEHOLD GENERATOR

Hey Mom, Opie's on, hurrey!

Children love it!

We all feel the pinch, utility bills are soaring, but little kids have more energy than a caged hamster on crystal meth and we all want to be "green".

Well your friends and neighbors will be green with envy when they see you gave your kid the gift that keeps on giving, back to you that is.

Simply place your A.D.D. kido on this stationary bike, feed him Ritalin or whatever and watch in awe as he powers the household by spinning his little ass off.

This item is eligible for a federal income tax credit in areas effected by recent hurricanes.

ITEM 16: JUNIOR JIHAD U-238 ATOMIC ENERGY LAB

While we are not exactly clear on what RADICAL ISLAM'S plans are for the holidays, we ARE certain that many Junior Jihadists would "slit a throat" to get his/her hands on this desirable item.

Not much bigger than the size of an 50'S briefcase, and supplied with 3 large containers of "yellow cake" enriched Uranium-238, fuses, a containment vessel, and all the other fixin's one needs to reek nuclear havoc in the neighborhood.

The Lab is only moderately radioactive until supplied U-238 is properly centrifuged, mom's Cusinart food processor can be substituted for centrifuge. ALLAH AKBAR

Warning: Use may lead to international sanctions.

ITEM 16: FACT OR CRAP LIE DETECTOR GAME KIT

Wives, has your husband been coming home late from the office, smelling like cigarettes, Jagermeister, and "Home Wrecker" perfume? This gift idea, FACT OR CRAP, will get the honest truth out of the lying bastard. You draw any card you want from the FACT or accusation stack, he must draw blindly from the lame explanation or CRAP stack, then flip the IT's YOUR CALL consequence card. Watching him suffer is a pure joy.

All items are in stock and ready to ship to your door in time for Christmas. Simply Click the Link: I WANT TO BUY SOME STUFF NOW

All forms of payment accepted.

Happy Shopping, WW