Women's Day Magazine Has Typical Lame New Year's Resolutions

NOT SO FAST SAYS THE WEEKLY WIPER...

Ring In The New You This New Year?

Some feel-good resolutions you can actually keep...?  WE INJECT EACH RESOLUTION WITH "WIPER REASONING".

   

Photo: © Comstock

THE WEEKLY WIPER INJECTS SOME REASON INTO:  A current January WOMEN'S DAY article which states,

"...What is it about Women and January? As soon as the ball drops, the female mind immediately turns to all the stuff it's absolutely going to do this year. The thing is, they’re usually the same promises made last year.

Forget been-there, tried-that resolutions and commit to new ones that are less daunting, more doable and guaranteed to make the Woman in you feel great. Pick a few or try all..."

AND THE LIKELYHOOD OF A WOMAN'S FAILURE TO SAY WITH THE RESOLUTION,

 THE PREDICTED FAILURE RATE

 

1. Start your own blog
It’s easy, free and lets you say whatever is on your mind. Go to blogspot.com to get started.

Wiper Reasoning: Sure sounds easy, but then what do you have to say that anybody on earth would give a crap about?  Okay, New Years Resolutions for women.  Predicted Failure Rate 99.9999%

2. Swap CDs with your teen
Give her a few of your favorites every month and ask to borrow some of hers. She may gain a new appreciation for Sheryl Crow,  after all she did hook up with the gonadally challenged steroid sucking, Lance Armstrong, who then dumped her when she developed breast cancer and for being a SOUR-PUSS democrat.  The Crow's song/thought processes go like this...

"Packed up and moved out after all.
Bulldozed the house and watched it fall.
That blessed sight I still recall
I can sing my song again
I can sing my song again"

and you might just learn to love Rihanna. Try some lyrics...from her hit "REHAB"

I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I gotta check into rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
Now ladies, gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, now gimme that
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Wiper Reasoning:  Can I get the whole fried chicken, mashed potatoes with extra gravy and a half dozen biscuits kind of rehab..  She even made of meal (pancake) of that pencil pecker packing, Justin Timberlake.

You're more likely to successfully swap Herpes with your teenager than CD's.

Predicted failure rate 77.6%, mainly because of "like mother -like daughter" genetics.

3.  Be more spontaneous
When was the last time you did something spur-of-the-moment? Well, it’s time to embrace a more “why not?” mentality. 

If your sister calls and invites you out at the last minute, go. (Your husband can watch the kids, can’t he?)

 Wiper Reasoning:  "Your husband can watch the kids, can’t he?" Does this just not chap our ass? When men think "spontaneous " there are a whole host of items that pop into our minds and watching the kids while you browse through Bed and Bath with your bulimic-bipolar sister is not one of them.  And adding the "can't he?" to the end of the question...makes me want to jack slap a Women's Day writer or two, then spontaneously  head to the local strip bar  lock the kids in the  car outside the joint on a hot summer's day and max out the family VISA card.  Predicted failure rate 100%

4.  Make your kids laugh
Wear a goofy hat. Speak in a silly voice. Fall over. Make weird faces. It’s fun for them and beneficial for you.  If you figure out something that makes your child laugh, do it again and again. And once a good time starts, keep it going. Don’t interrupt the fun just because it’s time to make dinner. “Let other things slide sometimes,” advises Dr. Cohen.

Wiper Reasoning:  What Women's Day fails to mention the actual costs of the amount of drugs and alcohol you would have to consume to create the laughs and keep them going and going.  Sure you may say, "who suggested drugs and alcohol as the "something that makes your child laugh".  But Women's Day didn't have any responsible suggestions to make the brats act happy either. Perhaps your children laugh and generally have a great demeanor, just not when you're around.  Predicted failure rate 82.5%, as some children will play along then report you to Child Protection for some real laughs.

5.  Indulge your fem-self guilt-free
Whatever your passion, make a point to enjoy it this year—even in small doses. For instance, if chocolate is your weakness, vow to savor a sweet treat every now and then—even if it’s just one (kilo) Hershey’s Kisses a day.

Wiper Reasoning:  Thanks Women's Day, you have just given all your lady readers the permission to put some extra junk in the trunk, Oprah style. What if your chick can't stop indulging fried pork rinds and gallons of the ice cold funk that is

"Chocolate Milk". Predicted failure rate 0%,  finally a resolution she can live with.

6.  Spread cheer—and do it every single day! Smile at strangers, hand out compliments, ask how someone is doing and really mean it.

Wiper Reasoning:  And improve race relations while you do it.

    Predicted failure rate ...just as you'd predict 99%, some chicks dig it.

7.  Make one new friend
That’s it, just one. Not too intimidating, right? Now take a look around. Your new BFF may be someone you see every day. “Adult friendships are based on similarities, convenience and location,” says Elaine D. Zelley, PhD,  at the gym try striking up a conversation with the woman on the bike next to you. And don’t worry if your first few attempts don’t lead anywhere. Keep trying and eventually you’ll click with the right chick.

Wiper Reasoning: Wow, women having trouble making friends, that's because their friendships eventually lead to...  drunken Cat-Fights

  Seems the be an historical precedent for them, too. Predicted failure rate 92.3%, some will turn the incessant chick  fighting into an actual profession, thus increasing the demand for baby pools, pure vegetable oil (extra "virgin olive oil in Europe), and peanut butter.

8.  Get more sleep
While most of us gals need at least seven hours of sleep a night, many of us don’t get it. What happens when you catch too few zzz’s?  The three P's: poor performance, poor mood and poor health, according to Joyce Walsleben, PhD, author of A Woman’s Guide to Sleep. Grab a couple of extra hours daily after hubby leaves...I'm dreaming  that I'm dreaming that I'm sleeping.

Wiper Reasoning: Men are always wondering why their women always look like they just woke up from a nap when they get home from their 18 hour work shift, we just didn't know it was in an effort to improve things for you, except the mood thing ain't working for us.  Predicted failure rate 50% as 1/2 of all women will stay awake at night waiting for just the right opportunity to kill us while we sleep.

9.  Put your "right" brain to work
Create your own artist’s wall. Grab a camera, go outside and snap whatever moves you. Hang the best shots, rotating in new ones every few weeks.

Wiper Reasoning: Hey quick, if you're looking in the mirror which is the creative side of your head?  Predicted failure rate 100%, cannot tell right from wrong.

10.  Do something that scares you silly  and

 Lock lips with your husband (actually combines two resolutions)
Whatever gives you the willies—riding rickety state fair roller coasters, walking alone in a Walmart parking lot, or Locking Lips with your hubby —make a promise to try doing it at least once during the year.

“Conquering a fear is empowering,” says psychologist Laurie Nadel, PhD Not sure you can do it?  Get up, brush your teeth, pull on your garden gloves, personal floatation device or other protection, it's the first step puts you that much closer to seeing it through. 

Turns out there is some science behind that giddy kiss rush: the cuddle chemical, oxytocin. “As you kiss, you hold each other,  her witchy noodle oozes oxytocin, a brain chemical that makes you feel good,” says Helen Fisher, PhD, author of Why We Love.  German researchers have shown that a whiff of oxytocin will also improve the ability to infer, based just on eye cues, what a person is thinking about.  Well now you know!

Wiper Reasoning:  Dangerous stuff, OXYTOCIN, I learned this in sex ed. Drips out the women's brain into the uterus and milk glands.   Yep, it feels sooo good  you'll barely notice the side effects:

• an allergic reaction (shortness of breath; closing of the throat; hives; swelling of the lips, face, or tongue; rash; or fainting);

• difficulty urinating;

• chest pain or irregular heart beat;

• difficulty breathing;

• confusion;

• sudden weight gain or excessive swelling;

• severe headache;

• rash;

• excessive vaginal bleeding;

• seizures

• spontaneous abortions.

All of which do make me want to snuggle.

 

 

The Wipers recommendation on this one, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN WHEN PARTICIPATING IN HER RESOLUTION NUMBER 10. 

Predicted failure rate, only 46.4 %, some men will do anything, and will not heed the warning of the blog.

AND FOR THE REST OF 2009, REMEMBER TO WIPE OFTEN. WW

 

BuzzNet Tags: WOMEN'S DAY,NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS,2009,HAPPY NEW YEAR,KISSING,OXYTOCIN,BLOGSPOT,CD'S,CROW,RIHANNA,FRIED CHICKEN,MASHED POTATOES,STRIP BARS,KIDS,LAUGH,CHILD PROTECTION,INDULGE,GUILT FREE,PORK RINDS,CHOCOLATE MILK,DRUNKEN CAT FIGHTING WOMEN,SLEEP ISSUES,DREAMS,RIGHT BRAIN,UTERUS,HYPOTHALAMUS,WEEKLY WIPER

"Angel Barbie" Recalled For Being Too Slutty To Be On Top Of Christmas Trees

Not even a scant four years after Barbie and Ken divorced,  Barbie has fallen on hard times.  Once considered wholesome but "edgy", Barbie latest  foray into the Christmas ornament industry back-fired when thousands of the new Angel Barbie dolls apparently undressed and started acting in such a provocative manner  that customers could not place her on the top of their Christmas trees.

"...We put Angel Barbie at the very top of our tree and the next morning we found her half way down the tree hitting on one of the Santa's Elves ornaments.  It was disgusting to say the least...", said one mother of five girls.

"...It was like crazy, all the male ornaments were fighting over her like wild animals, it was so embarrassing, we were afraid to turn the Christmas tree lights on for fear of seeing what they might be doing..."

"...She kinda' reminds me of my second wife", said one recently re-married father of two,"...Pretty hot but  I wish I'd checked into her history before we tied the knot...".

"...She's just a big trouble maker, look at the satisfied grin on the ornament behind her in this picture I took, her skirts up around her neck and her hair's caught on a hook.  No telling what she did with her wings..." said one young purchaser.

"Some of my more precious Christmas decorations jumped to their deaths and were found in pieces at the bottom of the tree..." added a grandmother.

I overheard her tell my Santa ornament, "I guess math isn't the only thing that's hard".

Mattel has offered "Burka Barbie" as a replacement.   

It includes a bag of rocks so you can stone her if she acts up.

Merry Christmas, and wipe that up Barbie. WW

The Next Time You Look, Will EARL's DAWGS Be Champs or Chumps?

The Superstars Fantasy Football League is coming to a close.  One week remains...

The Players in 3rd, HIGHCOURT 1324 points

in 2nd, "studious" WPT (formally the Bandits),    1325 points 

In 1st place, the points leader with

1365 points, Earl's Dawgs.  What's up with the pinky?

• So that gives him a 40-41 point lead over 2nd and 3rd.
• In the last 5 weeks, he's been outscored by WPT by a total of 8 points and by HighCourt by 54 points.
• Earl's lowest week scoring was week 14, putting up only 56. 
• Can we pray that he repeats that 56 in week 17, and HC cranks out 97 or WPT 98 for the win.

 

The rest of the league,  we hope you get the best seller, "How to Play Fantasy Football" as a gift.

Merry Christmas. ww

Commander in Briefs: Obama shows off his war chest on holiday in Hawaii

According to the British rag, The Daily Mail, "He wore down Hillary Clinton and wiped out John McCain, so we knew he had the stomach for a fight. "  And this is what it looks like. 

Obama shows off his impressively muscled tummy, a toned pair of pecs  and

his golf skills while on holiday in Hawaii.  Hey, he's a "lefty". 

The Secret Service needs to put a "UROCLUB"   in his Christmas stocking.  The U.S. president-elect is throwing down something of a challenge by being photographed in his swimming trunks and shorts.  Of course the future 1st lady had to get into the picture, showing off her trunk junk

Here's what the Mail’s readers have had to say so far.

For FUN, study the photos associated  with this article and see if you can the correct words in the  reader's comments:  

• The women that are drooling over Obama don't have (much of a sex life, a baby's daddy, very high standards).
• And don't forget his 10 inch long…(attention span, black berry, pencil thin neck)… that makes him look like a victim of some (vast right wing conspiracy, disease, spousal abuse).
• What's all the fuss about? You would think half of you posting comments had never seen a(n) (“near” black president-elect, bare chest, skinny black snake) before.
• Oh just great... a prez who waxes his (new presidential limo, shoes, gravity stricken man-boobs). Those are not the (tax increases, saggy tits, 'change') I want.
• I prefer him with a (bullet-proof jacket, hat, suit) on.
• OH-BAMA, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow (Rhom Emanuel, cocaine, my mind)!!!!
• (A wet bathing suit, Power, Sand in your crack) is the greatest aphrodisiac and...
• it sounds like a lot of loser women are dreaming of getting their presidential (business socks, kneepads, blue dress) on.
• Ms. Obama has got (to diet, not get photographed eating, too much sand for "my little truck").

T' was The Day Before Christmas and...

The Weekly Wiper staff wishes all readers a Merry Christmas...and a safe Holiday season...

Please open you gifts carefully and avoid the most common debilitating Christmas morning injury,

the paper cut.

Don't become a statistic!

Pitching: It's more than just velocity

As the world looked on in horror,  MLB pitching scouts looked for potential...

MLB pitching scouts have taken a interest in the shoe hurling Journalist, Muntadhar al-Zeidi as a big league pitcher. Using a computer simulation program that superimposes a baseball on any hurled object, several scouts have determined Muntadhar's shoe speed and rotation would translate into triple-digit  baseball velocities.

In Iraq, baseball has not become the national past-time it is in the United States, "mostly because Iraqi's have only experience with the wrong end of a bat", said Maj. Gen. Abdul-Karim Khalaf, Saddam Hussein's former-interior minister.

Zeidi has a wonderful high release, and notice just how well his lower body faces the batter or in this case the President of the United States. It appears if the dirty, smelly sandal had been in fact a baseball, he's would actually be throwing a split finger fast ball.

"His pitching shows a ton of potential when viewed through the proprietary "PITCH-SIM" program.  There's end over end rotation but he is able to have the shoe or ball break away from the President's head," said a MLB scout wishing to remain anonymous.    "...If Kennedy had the "duck move" Bush exhibits avoiding the bean ball, JFK might have a larger presidential library today", said Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki in the post "game" wrap up.

What scouts look for, Muntadhar al-Zeidi has....

Regardless of how alluring it is to light up the radar gun, good scouts look for much more than velocity from pitchers. As a starting point, scouts start by looking at a pitcher's strength, stamina, agility and aggressiveness, and then look at things like arm action and delivery. Sure it's nice to throw hard, but scouts are also looking for movement and deception.  Muntadhar al-Zeidi  has it all in spades.

""You're looking for a guy to be strong down the road and be able to eat innings," says one Major League scout. "You want a reliant arm that is going to last. A guy with a big, durable body and a strong lower half."

"There aren't many true No. 1 Major League starters out there -- powerful guys with focus and presence -- but Zeidi is what we're all looking for," says the scout.

Drafting the Phnom maybe problematic as he could be charged with attempted murder and face up to 15 years in jail for admitting to an investigating judge that he tried to attack Bush, a spokesman for Iraq's High Judicial Council said. 

Perhaps injury prone? Relatives claimed the 28-year-old journalist, who has a deep hatred of the United States, was hospitalized with a broken arm, broken ribs and internal bleeding.

 The real ultimate insult to BUSH however: ww

 

 

 

BuzzNet Tags: Major league,Muntadhar al-Zeidi,MLB,baseball,Bush,Pitch-Sim,Kennedy,presidential library,spades,starters,broken ribs,internal bleeding

Only a Few Shopping Days Left Until Christmas

If you're anything like the staff at the Weekly Wiper, there are a few last minute items needed for the "least deserving" on your Christmas gift list.  Here are a few suggested stocking stuffers available now.

ITEM 1: "U CALLED ME A WHAT? " Glass set.   Nothing starts the day off better than these stylishly suggestive juice glasses.  You'll always want to be the first one up to set the table and get your long day going, at each other.

Classy enough for a quiet (silent) dinner too, just in case the morning started out okay only to deteriorate during the day.

Item 2:  1st in a series that can be combined - GROPE ON A ROPE - Lend yourself a "hand" in the bath or shower, for those hard to reach areas.  Combine it with this next item;

Item 3:  KARAOKE SOAP MICROPHONE-  And now the entire neighborhood will know when you're all wet, and combine with Him, Item 4: HIM ON A ROPE to just wave your soapy hands in the air singing gospel and wait for Easter,

with  item 5, SOAP ROPE BUNNY

   Continuing in the bathroom realm.

Item 6:   WHAT'S YOUR POO TELLING YOU? CALENDAR Filled with nifty factoids of all things POO.  Celebrate the wondrous uniqueness of poo with regularity. In this daily calendar, the authors of the best-selling book What's Your Poo Telling You? deliver a year's worth of poo trivia, interesting nuggets, dates in digestive history and illustrated dookie descriptions. Who knew you could learn so much from poo?!?! Have a crappy year! Imported. Wiper clean.
* 6"w, 2"h, 5.5"d
* Plastic, paper

According to the calendar, Evil is dead. 

Item 7:  TALKING TP ROLL -  Nothing says your marriage is in the shitter, better.   HONEY, ARE YOU LEAVING ME?  Flush once for  "YES".  Romance was a truly beautiful thing, especially in the bathroom.   This magical battery-powered fun machine records and plays back any message. 

Just press the "record" button, say what's on your mind, load up with some TP and you're ready to go.  Your message will play whenever paper is pulled. It's fun waiting to happen. Imported. Wiper clean.
* Required: 2AAA Batteries, not included
* 1" diameter, 4-6"l
* Fits standard toilet paper holder
* Plastic, electronics

Item 8:  "ALL ABOUT ME", COFFEE TABLE EDITION - You know wives, children, relatives and therapists have thrown it in you face for years, give into your narcissistic self loving life, and proudly display your version of the world for everyone to see.  It's what you should get you for Christmas.

Item 9: SLIPPER LITE STOPS HIP FRACTURES! Just when you were running out of ideas for mom or grandma'...

Contour Light-Up LED Slippers with Memory Foam will light up your way at night.  These motion activated slippers come on automatically when you walk  in the dark and the LEDS will illuminate your way, keeping you safe from obstacles that have been left on the ground.  The slippers are no maintenance, LED light is super bright and requires very little power,Replaceable battery will last 4 to 6 months.  A Photo sensor will prevent the slippers from turning on during the daytime hours.  Soft Memory foam insole and soft fleece lining provide soothing warmth and comfort in a beautiful powder blue Suede finish.

Item 10: "EXCUSE ME" from work that is.  Tired of your boss at your lame job questioning the validity of your use of sick time.  Just collect a few days of snot and sputum into your "Excuse Me" and place on his/her desk upon return and marvel how the conversation is no longer about your sick days but your termination.

Merry Shopping, WW

BuzzNet Tags: excuses,sick time,termination,memory foam,batteries,Christmas,shopping,glasses,marriage trouble,grope,microphones,karaoke,Elvis is dead,talking,narcissism,slippers.